


ashes to ashes & all that dust

by peachmaisie



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-16 10:43:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16952517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachmaisie/pseuds/peachmaisie
Summary: He still dreamt about it, the day the world fell apart. There were nights Matt awoke with Elektra's name on his lips and his hands clutching bedsheets like he'd clutched her, after wanting nothing more than to be by her side even in death. Living without her had never been easy, he'd just gotten better at hiding the pain especially when he was still hurt by her decisions back in college. He was no longer hurt by her though, even after everything she'd done, how could he be? Who knew better how to love a monster than a monster themself?Back when he'd first woke up in the orphanage, his life ruined and God fueling his loathing with vehement, Matt saw her in places she wasn't really. Well, not saw, felt rather. The smell of her skin, the scratch of her sais being sharpened only to then be pressed to his neck, the sensation only lasted a second but by God, what he wouldn't have given to be killed by her than to be living in the world where he had to do it himself. Every sense seemed soaked in her, to the point where Matt started to consider the fact maybe this wasn't just a haunting, maybe she was really here with him.





	ashes to ashes & all that dust

The world had continued on spinning after the second fall of Wilson Fisk and Matt was happily back working with his best friends, for once, he actually might have called himself happy. Happiness was a foreign language he'd never quite gotten the hang of, always thinking he'd found the right definition before realizing that actually if were happy he wouldn't have to convince himself of it.

He wasn't always happy, of course, that would be inhuman. There were still plenty of days where getting out bed felt like having to relearn walking all over again, one step at a time on legs shaking like a baby dear. On those days, he'd learned to reach out even when everything in his head told him to suffer in silence. If he couldn't make it out of his apartment, then Foggy and Karen could come over and work from home. Matt might not have always been happy, but at least he was no longer passing that on like a disease to his loved ones.

Some days were worse than others and he was yet to work out the reason why, whether his brain was addicted to the bad thoughts or living in a city so incapable of being quiet made it impossible to forever find peace. He was trying though, actually trying instead of just claiming he was in the hopes it would get people off his back.

Though no matter how happy he was or hopeful that he was capable of living a normal life, something was missing. He felt like a cracked mirror, one that had been broken and put back together time after time until eventually, all pieces weren't there anymore. There were sharp edges, things he'd once held close to his heart now only caused him pain. The worst thing was he knew what was missing, and he knew he'd never get it back.

"I feel like I let her down." Matt had once claimed to his therapist, a slightly older woman with a warm voice and a few cats judging by the fur he could smell clinging to her clothes. There was only so much he could say regarding the situation without outing himself as Daredevil, without bringing everyone down with him but he'd cooked up a scenario close enough to the reality.

Apparently, he felt that way a lot, that he let the people he loves the most down. Nothing he ever could do would be good enough because he believed somewhere that he himself wasn't good enough, or at least that was what he'd been told. It made a lot of sense, it didn't mean he wanted to believe it but it made sense. It wasn't a cure to his sadness though, and it felt more of an observation of his impossible quest for peace.

Thirty years of issues had piled up and while Matt had begun to try and tear down the wall he had created to protect himself, with Elektra it was simply different. He'd felt his father's lifeless body, there had been the evidence of his death right before his fingertips but he couldn't recall feeling Elektra die, so maybe she hadn't. The thought kept him awake, it stopped him from moving on even though it had been a little over a year and a half since the collapse.

He still dreamt about it, the day the world fell apart. There were nights Matt awoke with Elektra's name on his lips and his hands clutching bedsheets like he'd clutched her, after wanting nothing more than to be by her side even in death. Living without her had never been easy, he'd just gotten better at hiding the pain especially when he was still hurt by her decisions back in college. He was no longer hurt by her though, even after everything she'd done, how could he be? Who knew better how to love a monster than a monster themself?

Despite the longing and the unanswered questions, Matt tried to be happy because that was what Elektra would have wanted, or at least that's what he hoped. He could never tell with her, some days it was like he'd never known a love so strong and the next he meant nothing— he missed all of it.

While the ache was there on the daily, Matt didn't always think about it. He kept himself busy, working with clients and roughing up bad guys on the streets of Hell's Kitchen, he'd go visit Maggie at the church and be genuinely interested in how her life was doing instead of using it as an excuse to air his dirty laundry; he was doing his best, and that took a lot.

Back when he'd first woke up in the orphanage, his life ruined and God fueling his loathing with vehement, Matt saw her in places she wasn't really. Well, not saw, felt rather. The smell of her skin, the scratch of her sais being sharpened only to then be pressed to his neck, the sensation only lasted a second but by God, what he wouldn't have given to be killed by her than to be living in the world where he had to do it himself. Every sense seemed soaked in her, to the point where Matt started to consider the fact maybe this wasn't just a haunting, maybe she was really here with him.

Of course, that wasn't the case, she was just another hallucination, a physical embodiment of his mental illness as his therapist described before suggesting they up their sessions from twice a month to once a week.

Matt wondered if it made him a bad person that he was almost willing to risk being ill if it meant feeling Elektra again, hearing the sound of her voice even if it wasn't real, just so long as it wasn't an echo in his head. It would be a quick spiral, he was impulsive on his own and didn't need a ghost with devilish tendencies to urge him into doing reckless shit, not when he had built up the hopes of the people he loved.

"You seem to be doing better," Maggie claimed one day over coffee, sat together outside the church where Matt had once spent many an anxious morning talking to Father Lantom. She had a cold, he could hear the subtle way her dry throat tried to cling to her words and could smell the strawberry throat candies tucked away in her coat pocket. Considering the terrible Autumn weather they'd been having, Matt knew it'd be mere days before he was feeling the same.

"I'm getting there." He replied in the only way he knew how, to keep some distance, to give hope but not enough so if he failed, it wouldn't be too painful. Over the year being back as himself, Matt had tried to keep fewer secrets, to lie a hell of a lot less. For someone who had become so comfortable in deceit, being honest was a shitty wake-up call to exactly how much he needed to improve. Playing pretend was all well and good until everyone hates the fake version of yourself too, then there's nowhere left to hide.

In classic Murdock fashion, it would be when the world was starting to look a little brighter that it would then set into a fiery blaze. That was, after all, what Matt had been fearing all along and who would he be if not forced to face all his greatest fears?

Ever since losing his sight, it had been an uphill battle for sleep to come naturally. In the beginning, with the city so loud and vibrating outside of his window, Matt didn't sleep for weeks. Rather, he didn't sleep when he was supposed to, instead he took accidental naps in class and snuck off to the quietest place he could find before shoving his ears with toilet paper in an attempt to muffle everything. He was much better now, he'd learned how to channel everything out when he didn't want it, there was an exception though.

Thunderstorms weren't a common occurrence but when they did happen, Matt spent the whole night tucked away in bed with his hands over his ears. Everything about it made his skin crawl, not only did the sky feel like it was ripping apart one painful layer at a time but the city awoke, children would start crying in fear and dogs barked at their owners until they awoke. He'd been woken up by plenty of bad things in his life, but none left him feeling quite as vulnerable.

On this night, however, the raging sky and rowdy city had a companion. He'd recognize the smell anywhere: Jasmine and Cedarwood, warm and rich and expensive and slipping over him like silk. It was the thunder that initially woke Matt up but it was the smell that kept him from falling asleep again, staring blanking at his ceiling until his curiosity got the better of him and he was scrambling up his fire escape.

The city was soaking with rain, every last surface dripping with droplets and Matt's roof was no exception. With socked careful feet, he made his way up the wet stairs to the roof in search of something, in dreamy hopelessness. It had been months since his last hallucination, though to have them come back was no surprise. It was why he rushed, to make sure he had time with his ghost before she vanished from him again.

Matt walked out onto the open area of the roof and paused, head tilted to the side as he listened out for any sign of her. The perfumed scent was still there, just like he remembered. Something was different about her this time, he couldn't quite put his finger on it but he wasn't going to fight it. For all he knew this was his last time with her before he got to the point he didn't need her comfort. That wasn't how recovery worked but for Matt, it was the only way he made sense of it.

Her long coat blew in the wind, a woolen material that Matt was not accustomed to. He couldn't hear her hair brushing across her shoulders, indicating that maybe it was tied up or cut but that didn't make sense in that he'd always hallucinated the same thing, over and over. Why bother changing now? It was only when he caught her small gasp, the swallow that followed with a long pause before steps were taken towards him that Matt felt himself become faint.

"You're going to catch your death," Elektra said clear as day and Matt felt his knees weaken beneath him. It was pouring down, his t-shirt clung to his skin with no shame and his jaw had begun to tremble but if having a building collapse on him wasn't scary enough to wave him away, some thunder and fear of a cold had no hope.

She'd sounded real before, real enough that he had risked reaching out to touch her before she vanished into thin air. At first, it had made Matt want to live in his suffering, hope that he got worse enough to be able to hallucinate her touch, all the other senses were valued but he missed touching her the most. The sound of her voice yelled across the rumble of the city was not a definite, and even thinking that made Matt realize just how tortured he'd once been.

Like an electric shock, Elektra's hand came to lay across the crook of Matt's elbow once she was close enough and he jerked away from the touch, only to then desperately grasp for it again because that's what he did with things that hurt. He clung to her hand hard to feel her sharp knuckles dig into his palm and then like an animal, feral and foaming, he pounced.

"Why?" Matt let go of her hand and pushed Elektra backwards, she stumbled a little but kept her footing for the most part. His hands trembled as he chased after her, searching for her body to push her back once more. "Again. You left me again." This time, he didn't know whether he was talking to his ghost or the real Elektra, his point still stood either way. Another push to her chest followed only this time Elektra stopped him, wrapped her hands around his wrists and held him steady. She was stronger than before, could probably break his bones with her bare hands if she wanted. She didn't want to hurt him, not more than she already had.

"Matthew—" Elektra tried to speak but Matt wasn't stopping, he didn't let her grip around him stop him from trying to pull away, to beat on her chest like he needed to convince himself she was real. There was no heartbeat, this could easily have been his ghost returning to make him a hollowed out man. He wanted to believe that was the case because what was the alternative? That Elektra had been alive the whole time and had left him alone, left him believing she was decomposing at the bottom of the city? She was cruel but _that_ cruel? Matt didn't want to believe it but the mere thought left him shaking and with his teeth bared.

"You're dead." He barked out with a dry sob. Thunder cracked and Matt didn't flinch, too busy trying to get out of Elektra's hold while battling with a thousand thoughts running around his head. "You're not— this isn't... oh God," Matt bowed his head and Elektra pulled her hands from his wrists in favor of cupping his face. Her palms were cold, not like he was but instead from the inside.

"Come inside, please." Despite the cocktail of denial, anger, and sadness leaving Matt drunk and ready to fall, he knew he couldn't risk having her disappear. With hands shaking like teacups, he reached out and gripped her forearms to keep her in place. She might not have been warm like he remembered, but he'd recognize her touch no matter what. Elektra slowly let her hands fall to his shoulders, turning him back towards the stairs and down to his apartment.

The cold of the rain and wind whipping around him had been enough to wake Matt up for real but he still felt like he was in a dream, or a nightmare. He'd had plenty of those involving Elektra, many of which started with them being reunited only for her to die once again in his arms. Perhaps that was part of why he clung to her so tight as they made their way into his apartment, simply anticipating the worst.

Before Matt could even begin to process what was going on, he was sat down on the couch and Elektra's hands were busying themselves trying to take his sopping wet shirt off. Matt once again jerked away from her touch, somehow hyperaware of everything that was going on while being drunk on the heady confusion plaguing the whole situation. He steadied a hand on the armrest and listened as Elektra sighed and stood up from the couch.

"I can't— why can't I hear your heartbeat?" The thunderstorm outside cracked again and this time Matt jumped alongside it. Memories of a night spent in Elektra's college apartment flashed through him, how he'd listened to the sound of her heartbeat as she stroked her fingertips through his hair and whispered softly as the storm outside raged. The memory passed and Matt then recalled The Hand, what they'd done to Elektra and why her heartbeat had become lost to him.

"You should sleep. I didn't mean for this to happen tonight, We can talk tomorrow." In all honestly, Elektra hadn't been expecting Matt to catch her snooping. She had only been back in New York for a few hours, she had spent months planning on how their reunion would occur but deep down, Elektra knew she shouldn't have idealized anything but that had never worked out for them.

"Stop. Just—please. Stop talking." Matt thought about calling Foggy, telling him exactly what was going on only to then ask if he could come over and make sure he wasn't hallucinating this whole thing. He didn't know what he wanted, to have had all his progress ripped from him out of nowhere or for his months of suffering to have been for nothing, for all his mourning to have been in vain because Elektra was alive but had decided he wasn't enough of a reason to stick around anymore.

He had almost died, and not only in that building with Elektra by his side. There had been too much grief eating away at his insides, not only had his senses been ripped away from him but the love of his life too and who wouldn't want to escape a world of pain that enormous. What if Elektra was to have returned and found out that Matt was tucked away in a grave somewhere? Would she have cared or would it have been one less thing to worry about?

Elektra did as he asked, freezing in place beside the couch as Matt dropped his head into his hands as just breathed. Eventually, he raised his head again and turned it in her direction, looking a little right of her face but the simple sight of him still had Elektra's breath stolen.

"What happened?" He asked thickly, voice slightly gummy with what looked to be the urge to burst into tears. Matt reached over and dug his fingers tighter in the armrest in an attempt to ground himself, he couldn't risk even the possibility of lunging at Elektra again. "If you're really here, if-if you're real then tell me where you've been."

So much had happened since Midland Circle that Elektra didn't know if there would ever be enough time to explain it all, let alone explain all the immense guilt she felt over leaving Matt half dead, even though she was the one who had helped him escape in the first place.

"The Hand didn't only take my life." Elektra began after a few moments of silence, taking a step towards the couch then pausing to see how Matt would respond, when he didn't flinch away she sat down. "They took my identity too, my name. I didn't know who I was anymore, even when I claimed to. You have always been the only thing I was ever certain of."

Matt swallowed yet said nothing, instead continued to breathe in the scent of Elektra's skin and attempted to remember a time it brought him comfort rather than shame. She shifted uncomfortably and laid her freezing hands over her knees as a way of trying to steady them.

"I was wrong to let you stay there with me, I shouldn't have risked your life like that," Elektra said and Matt didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Had he not made it so abundantly clear that he didn't care about his life back then, that he didn't want to live it if it meant living without her? Nowadays he knew that it wasn't healthy to think like that, he had been trying to move on but it didn't make his feelings any less true.

"It was my choice." He replied, Elektra simply bit her tongue. Maybe so, but she'd also destroyed any chance of his being able to escape. His stubbornness wouldn't have been his death, it would have been her desire to fight and more importantly, to win.

"That doesn't make it right." Her voice was softer than he remembered, Matt didn't know if it had changed or if it simply had been too long since he heard it last. "I managed to get you out from the wreckage, it took days but once you were free I knew I couldn't stay here any longer, not after what I'd done."

Matt wanted to say that it wasn't her fault, that he would have gladly died with her and he had long forgiven her for the wrongs she had committed. He didn't say it though, he continued to sit there, still freezing half to death with his jaw clenched tight because he was angry. No matter how badly he'd wanted her to be alive, he was angry that she'd rehashed all these emotions he was trying so hard to overcome.

"I thought you were dead." He chose to say instead. Elektra froze like a statue, listened to the sound of rain pounding against the windows before reaching out for Matt's hand. She wanted it pressed against her cheek, smoothing down the small of her back but those were simply wishful thoughts she knew she couldn't have, so she placed it over where her heart once beat.

"You aren't wrong." There was sadness, regret, and pain thick in her voice and Matt believed it. He missed the sound of her heartbeat more than anything but how must she have felt? They turned her into a monster, bathed her in blood and stolen her voice and Matt's stomach curdled at the thought of the suffering he hadn't saved her from. He pressed his hand a little harder to her chest as though that would bring her heartbeat back and Elektra breathed out the slightest hint of a laugh, then she was speaking again.

"Matthew, I..." She paused before lifting a hand up to lay over Matt's, his jaw tightened but he said nothing, so she continued, "I'm no longer that person you knew. I thought I could find her again, I went searching and tried to remember who I was before their war but that's all I've ever known. And with that now over, now they've stolen my heartbeat and the possibility of a normal life, I've come to realize who I am."

"And that is?"

Elektra looked at Matt, took in every beautiful detail of his face and wet hair clinging to him. She knew him, maybe not better than most but deep down she knew what he thought of her, that she'd just ran away to start a new life because the one they wanted was no longer a possibility. It couldn't have been further from the truth, the only reason she'd left was so she could one day return.

"Yours." Her heartbeat was no longer there but Matt could picture it loud and clear in his mind, the steady thumping as she confessed something he knew to be difficult. He couldn't hear hers but his own was pounding wildly in his chest, strong with adrenaline and anticipation, not sure if he wanted to kiss her or push her again. "Not like I was with the hand, this is a choice. I'm choosing to be here, to be with you even though... even though I don't deserve you."

"Stop saying that." Another rumble of thunder and Matts' hand trembled against Elektra's chest, her shirt was soft and silky beneath his touch but no match for the feel of her skin against him. In the span of a few minutes, Matt had decided he'd gone fully crazy, or that this was just an elaborate dream he'd wake from any second. Still, why not say what he wanted to while he had the chance? "No one deserves anything, that's not how life works. You don't owe me or anyone else anything, it's been a year, Elektra, but I forgave you long before that."

He'd forgiven her for Midland Circle, for all the pain she'd caused long before that but there were new wounds now, stuff she hadn't even begun to address. As much as Matt wanted their happy life together, for her to come home and for a fresh start to commence, that couldn't happen right now. It had taken thirty years to learn but Matt know knew he had to look after himself, letting Elektra back into his life without thought or discussion would only leave him with more skin ready to scar.

Slowly, Matt pulled his hand away from her chest and Elektra let him. She didn't try to stop him when he stood up from the couch either, carefully stripping himself from his soaked shirt only to leave it a wet puddle on the floor. It was only when he was at the doorway to his bedroom that Elektra spoke up once last time, eyes glued to the new scars that had graced Matt's body.

"Why wouldn't I be real?" Deep down, Elektra knew the answer but she wanted to hear Matt say it. Every day she had been drowned in guilt and remorse for her actions, in a year she'd come to be addicted to that feeling, it made her feel like she was a good person.

Matt paused in the doorway but didn't turn around, he steadied a hand on the frame before giving a shrug to his heavied shoulders.

"Because we've had this discussion before." He replied and reached for the door, "This isn't the first time you've apologized for leaving." and like that, he stepped inside and pulled the door closed, leaving Elektra sat on the couch with the storm raging outside.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote the majority of this while dealing with an anxiety attack so if it seems a bit.....rambled then it probably is, i did my best though as i needed a distraction and i wanted to get this out before the new year. i hope you enjoyed, check me out on tumblr at ["maggiemurdock"](http://maggiemurdock.tumblr.com/) and on [ patreon](https://www.patreon.com/peachmaisie) !! go check it out if you want cool extra content like fics a week early, insight into upcoming stories and your own 1000 fic every month!!! i hope you have a fantastic 2019, i have a lot of awesome stuff coming up <3


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